My Mid-40's - Crash and Burn!

In 1998, I was 45 and working for a Consulting Firm who hired out Psychologists to work with companies in strategic planning, training, and utilization of personnel. There were all kinds of personalities in the firm. The woman I was working for was high up on the food chain, controlling, crabby and wound very tightly. I was getting very wound up myself and stressed out to the max. After I'd been there about six months and was in the middle of a huge project, I fell to the floor in my small office, no longer able to walk or speak. Naturally they called 911. As soon as the paramedics got there they tried to talk to me about my medical history because no one knew it. I had taken oodles of psychological testing and skills testing for the job, but didn't know anyone there well enough to have confided in them what everyone practically at my present job knows: I am bipolar. They said to you have any major medical history we should know about? I finally gasped: bi-polar. They practically yelled in front of all the people gathered in the hallway to try to find out why I was on the floor and uncharacteristically speechless: Oh you're BIPOLAR!!! That's most likely related then! I was furious. I couldn't move! I felt stiff as a carp as the saying goes. So they rushed me to Methodist Hospital which does NOT have a psych unit by the way. I figured my job was cooked at that place after their announcement to the general staff. Being psychologists, and their underlings, they were paranoid about that sort of thing.

A couple of days later in the hospital I find out from the doctors I had suffered a stress overload, something I had not heard of and most people haven't. It was a complete stress burnout reaction and my body said enough! So it quit walking and talking! I had my walking back by then but the talking took a bit. I even required speech therapy which was difficult for me...I love love love to talk!

Well I was finished in the full-time work place. I never got back. My bi-polar disorder skipped ahead and only allowed me to work part-time after that. My career was over.

It was very hard for me to accept, still is some days even though I have had a nice part-time somewhat challenging job -- the same one -- for six years now. I am very blessed really. I'm sure many people who have something like that happen to them and are bi-polar never really come back at all, so I thank God that I still have a good mind and ability to work and write to all of you!

Thanks for listening. The fifties I do not crash and burn I promise :)

My 30's: Sunshine Years: Life with Abby!

For someone who worked hard to have a baby and lost two children -- a stillborn baby girl named Shirley -- and an almost year old son named David, I was a pretty excited pregnant mom with Abby. I was married to a wonderful guy named Mike and felt that life was all new again, that the years of sorrow in childbearing were behind me -- and that a new day had dawned. I dreamt of a very healthy baby girl. More than dreamed, I believed. The still small voice inside me that was Jesus talking told me she would be strong and healthy! I was sure my baby was just that a wonderful baby girl -- whole and strong in every way. I did the mom's part. I made myself homemade vegetable beef soup every week, and ate healthy all week long. Culminating on Friday when Mike and I went to Wendy's and for some reason I always ordered a Taco salad (now I have a grown daughter who has loved Hispanic food all her life!) But  I didn't know this all would happen...but I believed in a healthy baby on the way with all my heart and faith!

And the end of  January, 1983 she arrived. I won't say her birth was easy, but the ending was. I pushed her out in two pushes. I was ready to meet her! She was so beautiful with dark hair and so big, she seemed to me, almost 8 lbs and 20 inches long! Mike and I were thrilled, crying and thanking God all at the same time!

Her infancy and childhood years were a joy. Abigail means in Hebrew: Her Father's Joy and she was and her mother's -- she still is! This was a golden time in my life. I had my hardships, surgeries, difficulties, trials as anyone does...but I was filled with the joy of the Lord every time I thought of Abby -- I still do. Maybe not perfect, but she is the sweetest person I know. She is like her Dad and I treasure her!

She was healthy and is! She is an athlete, her top sports are hockey and softball. She snowmobiles in the winter and rollerblades in the summer. She's a goalie in hockey -- yet talented enough to skate out on her current team -- for which she plays back-up goalie. Last year they won in the B-1 Division for the State of MN: WHAM: Women's Hockey Association of Minnesota. Mike and I were there to cheer her on!

Here is a picture of our Abby! Rejoice in the Lord with us!

Skipping to Today: Stomach Surgery January 28th

True to a word given to me in my late teens by a man who walked very close to God in my Church, I would face waves and waves of trials and suffering that would seek to overwhelm me -- but they would not touch me for the Lord would keep me safe. I had an unusual number of trials perhaps in my life, surgeries, ill health, challenges with jobs, financial challenges. My marriage was very sound and for the most part my husband and daughter had enjoyed good health. I was the challenging one, the worrisome one. Now I was 56 and about to face the most harrowing surgery of my life and I didn't want to do it.

As a matter of fact, my husband and I had put if off for almost one year, but I was experiencing stomach pain that was unbearable. I was hospitalized just for the pain. I had to do it. It was vascular surgery. I had an artery designed to delivery blood to my stomach, liver and spleen and it was 90% blocked. There were two other arteries assigned this task, but this was the Celiac artery -- the main one! I had been tested every which way. It was proven I had the condition and the only solution was to go in and repair or bypass the artery. So I finally yielded to the still small voice of faith within me and said, "Yes, let's do it." I had had quite a few surgeries before, but this was far more complex and required a team of 3 surgeons and as many hours to complete. All went well on Thursday -- they did a bypass -- and it appeared we had a success on our hands! Praise God!

However, on Sunday, three days, later I hit a crisis. I stopped being able to breathe on my own and my brain was swelling. They had to send me down to a Critical Care ICU and intubate me. My family was worried, very concerned and my brother puts it now, "He didn't know if they were going to get to keep me!" These are the times in life when God carries you and I don't remember much of it. They ran all sorts of tests on my brain and couldn't find a cause. They discussed all sorts of remedies, including lifting the cap off of my skull to let out the pressure. I just found out about that one a couple of days ago! Not wanting to hear all the details right away can be a good thing! But, blessedly God intervened in the form of a brilliant doctor who found a medicine which reversed the swelling and a wonderful male nurse who coached me on breathing when I began to come back, with the tube still inside my throat. Together, with my beloved Jesus, they coached me back to life! Along with the prayers of my beloved family and a few alerted friends and pastors. I was so very blessed when I began to breathe evenly and restfully even with my intubation tube in. The following morning they took it out. Aside from chipping a bit of one of my teeth I was none the worse for wear!

We serve a mighty, mighty God! "He knows the plans that He has for us and they are for good and not for evil to give us a future and a HOPE!" Jeremiah! My daughter was down from up north the next day and spent the day with me in ICU! My husband came in the afternoon and the three of us went up to a less care-intensive ward together that evening. God is so good! The Glory and the lifter of my head! In Him will I rejoice and be thankful for my LIFE! And all that is to come!

The Storm -- My 20's

By my early twenties, I had really straightened up and was following the Lord Jesus very closely. I loved reading the Bible, praying and worshipping! I am very thankful for this...because things were not going to go very smoothly for quite a while. I don't like to think about my early twenties and it's painful to write about. I started out by getting married when I was only 20. Not a very good plan. I had met a young man at a church retreat and we were very in love. He was a seminary student and I was thrilled for the opportunity to help him in his ministry. After almost two years, while he was still in Seminary, we were in a small town in Minnesota and he was doing his internship to become a youth pastor. We decided it was time to have a baby and so we tried! Our little girl was born dead in October. She was at almost 7 months gestation and perfect. But I had a rare condition...an infected placenta which had cut off her blood and therefore air supply and she had died while I was in labor. We were heartbroken. Terribly. The doctor I had in the small town, told us we didn't have to wait even a minute, I could get pregnant right away again...not good advice! I was very thin and worn out, but we were eager and I became pregnant again with a son. He was born the following November. Unfortunately for the three of us, he had very severe heart defects. I remember when he was about one week old he went into heart failure. They decided to do a heart cath on him to map out where everything was and see if they could operate to alleviate his discomfort and help his heart which was beating way too hard and fast. While waiting during the heart cath with my husband and close relatives, I opened my Bible to the story of Abraham and Isaac. I read it with a prayerful heart and felt God telling me to put Davey on the altar of God that he was His and I needed to give him into the Lord's hands. I prayed and did so. I put my tiny baby in God's hands to do with as He willed. When the Heart Cath was over we had a full 3 page diagnosis, the words that David wouldn't be getting surgery because we would have to wait about 5 years until the Heart Surgery had advanced enough to accommodate his problem. And we still had our beloved son who actually took a turn for the better after the procedure! Thank you God! I was thankful and blessed that I had the privilege of knowing and caring for this delightful child for almost 11 months, when he died the next October due to complications following his first cold: we found out he also didn't have a spleen. Obviously, he was meant to live with Jesus. He was not meant for this world. Unfortunately however, my husband then, was so despondent and angry at God for the loss of our two dear babies, he left and we were divorced a year and a few months later. I call it the storm, because of the raging nature of the circumstances, left me without my family, when I was so happy with just a short time before. But the storm did not swallow me for the Lord held me in the palm of His mighty hand!

On a brighter note: In my later 20's I met and married Mike, my wonderful husband of 30 years. He and I were introduced by my father, who was a good friend of  Mike's dad who had died a few years earlier of a heart attack. We were truly love at first sights! But also quickly became and remain, best friends. We are so very fortunate for we remain best friends and our love has deepened with Jesus at the cornerstone over the years. We have an athletic, loving, terrific daughter who turned 27 in January. She brings us so much joy! It is so true that God brings restoration of our hearts, our souls and our lives, when we keep our eyes on Him and our faith in Him and His word! Praise His Name! AMEN!

My Teens: Far Away from Jesus

Jesus seemed far away from me in High School. Now that I know more, I realize I was in a depression during  those years. I managed to keep up a  cheerful facade, but next to Jesus' place in my heart -- I had grown a rather large hole. This hole was filled with sadness, bitterness and resentment. I believe now it stemmed from rejection which I felt was from my father's leaving. In truth, my dad had been very dear to us children. He never lived more than a suburb away from us. Ten minutes at most. He saw us every weekend. He took care of all of our physical needs. And as best as he could he tried in every way to stay our Dad. But self-pity twists reality and tears you up inside! I became rebellious and experimented with drinking and smoking to please friends rather than my Lord .I kept everything from my mom and still remained a strong shoulder for her to lean on, but became resentful of that task. She wasn't aware of that part of our relationship for many years and was worried and praying for me during that whole time. I didn't tell my dad my problems, so my confidants were my friends and believe me they did not give good counsel.

My grades were starting to slip due to bad attendance. I felt myself losing all control and right when things could have hit a major crisis my mom found a new church headed by Pastor Fred. I recommitted my life to Christ under his discipleship and was baptized in a lake near the church. We started running bible studies out of our house led by one of the leaders of the church. I started inviting friends from school and soon I was growing in my faith again. My broken heart, through repentance, had started to heal! I would never be lonely again. I never let go of Jesus' hand. Ahead there many suffering and real trials, but I would continued to hold fast. I was His disciple at last! A rebel no more!

Free In Jesus My Story Begins

I've been thinking for a long time about telling my story. People think I am a really nice person. This is not entirely true. I am as selfish and as self-focused as the next person. I can get very angry, swear, hurt the people I love for no reason -- other than my own frustration at life. I am ashamed afterwards. Which I suppose is now the only good trait I've mentioned. I am not a good person. But I have a wonderful, awesome, sinless and loving person living in me...the Lord Jesus Christ. And He's been with me for 43 years. I asked him to come into my heart when I was 13 years old. Now some people might think big deal, you didn't know any better, you were only a kid. You couldn't have made a very serious commitment. How on earth did that stick? Well let me go back a bit further. When I was 9, the oldest of 4 kids, my world was shattered. My parents split up. Something that didn't really happen in our little suburb in the early 60's. We were a phenomenon and frankly, it ripped my heart in two. I loved my dad more than life itself. He was my hero, my knight in shining armor, my world. I had followed him around doing errands, going to the park since my earliest memories. And now he was moving out. My first feeling was one of relief...because the arguing would stop and I hated it! My second feeling was, "You can't leave me here without you, how will I make it? What will I do?", My mom was nice enough, but she was not  my hero, or my best friend. She was busy caring for my sister I guess, 16 months younger than I, and the house too and later my brother, who I helped with a lot! And then the baby, also a boy. Man she was busy. She was going to be busy...and she going to need a lot of help...as it turned  out that help would be me.

So, when I say I heard about Jesus at 13 it was no small thing. Here was a real hero. Someone who could fill the hole left by my Dad's leaving and set my heart free and my mind from the responsibility of being an adult way before my time. For I'd also become my mom's shoulder to lean on. I reached out to faith in Christ, asked him into my heart and began Bible Study like a sponge soaking up water. I was so thirsty for Him, so eager to know Him! And so it continued until the rebellious years of High School, where only His tremendous love for me kept me out of too much trouble. And His protection kept my recklessness in check, His faithfulness kept me from harm. But that's another story my friends!